Thoughts on being A Woman in Technology
Today I attended the California Diversity Council’s Women in Leadership Symposium. To be honest, I was sort of dreading it. I’m not usually one to talk about being A Woman in Technology or one to take up the torch of sisterhood, or to think of myself as blazing a trail, carving a path, cracking any glass, or anything like that. I often think that the best way to be a woman in technology is just to BE a woman who happens to be in technology. But after today, which was much better than I expected it to be, I left with a lot on my mind.
There’s no question that I have always been sort of a guy’s girl. I’m a big, Montana-bred, no-makeup (off-camera, anyway) kind of girl who carries a knife, knows how to ride a horse, and prefers trucks to cars. Before I became one of the few female attendees of conferences like MacWorld Expo, E3, and CES, I was one of the few women in the press room after football games, basketball games, and golf tournaments. Being a female sports reporter felt a lot more isolating than being a female tech reporter. The vibe was so much more macho, the air so charged with testosterone. Covering football as a woman is a particularly hostile endeavor: at least I might actually have played basketball, golf, or tennis.
Being a woman in tech seems, at first blush, a lot more fun. A lot of geeks flat-out worship girls, and girls who know things about computers take on a goddess/hot-elf/fantasy Geek Woman vibe that’s kind of hilarious and flattering. Technology itself is equal opportunity — if you can learn it, you can do it, and if you can talk the talk, you can talk your way into some of the clubs, no outstanding physical skills required.
But the geeky girl-worship doesn’t change some of the fundamental truths about being female and covering technology. You’re still thought of as vaguely alien, even if you’re beloved. No technical mistake will go unpunished, because you’re expected to not know what you’re talking about. And there’s never a time when you’re not being parsed more for your looks than your knowledge. And then, frankly, I’m still a woman in corporate America, and that’s got its own set of enraging double standards, uncomfortable boys club moments, and the nagging feeling that I’m never doing quite enough.
What I realized today is that I’m a lot more sensitive about being A Woman in Technology since I’ve had a child. My life is more rigid: I hardly ever go to evening events, because I want to spend time with my son. I leave every other day at 4:30 on the dot to pick him up from daycare on the other side of the bridge, and I know I’m unbelievably lucky that my husband and I can alternate these early departure days without drawing managerial ire. I’m not doing much on the weekend other than juggling kids’ birthday parties and naptime and the various friends and grandparents and parties and stir-crazy toddler needs. I’m not Web 2.0 networking, in a nutshell, except on Twitter.
I go from the rush of mornings at home (getting us all up, dressed, fed, and out the door with a minimum of oatmeal-covered shirts, meltdowns, and last-minute pooping) to the rush of the workday (six shows a week, with whatever media appearances, meetings, and show fill-ins might crop up) to the rush of the evening (dinner, what the HELL to have for DINNER?) to the almost thrilling release of collapsing in a pile of cats and wine to watch “Lost” or “Battlestar Galactica” or whatever we’ve TiVo’d on Food Network. And that usually involves multitasking of the laundry-folding or dish-washing variety. I’m tired. I never rest. I worry that I’m failing, and I’ve spent almost all of 2008 over-compensating for that feeling. At today’s symposium, there was a discussion of work-life balance, and the overwhelming consensus was that the thing we do, we Women, is stretch ourselves too thin, fail to set boundaries, and fail at saying no.
So, 2009 is about saying no. I’m fattening up, in terms of my time, my boundaries, and my work-life balance. I’m going to spend less time angry and more time editing out the things that make me angry. I’m re-prioritizing, and yes, some beloved activities, like Buzz Out Loud and who knows what else, may end up by the wayside. But trust me: only good can come of a happier, healthier, more productive and focused Molly (even the rants).
And if, along the way, I push through a ceiling made of glass or inspire a girl who’s younger than me or get myself a mentor or any of the other things that Women in Leadership are supposed to do, I won’t deny that part of myself at all. I’m grateful to the Women in Leadership for the reminder that I am not the only one doing all this ridiculous working and living and child-rearing and stressing. I’m grateful for the permission to make things easier on myself, and I plan to take it and not let it go.
UPDATE: After reading your comments, I’ve realized that the last few paragraphs of this post (boundaries, saying no more often, stretching ourselves too thin) are more “thoughts on being a [parent] [grownup] [human] in [California] [America] [the world].” That’s why I usually avoid the “woman in x” self-labeling — on some level, we’re all in this together, right?
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I was sad to hear about you leaving BoL full-time, but I understand now, and I say: “more power to you”, balance your life and be there for your family. Keep up the great work.
After becoming a mom I decided that yes I can do it all and no I don’t have to, or want to, do it all at once. Good job sister!
I’ve always felt that part of the backlash against women’s liberation was a sort of “Fine! You wanted to do this, so have at it, do it all!” kind of attitude. But what we have really always wanted were choices and respect for those choices.
So thank you. Thank you for being a great example of a smart, strong and successful woman who makes the best choices, for herself.
Hi Molly,
I just want to say ditto re indyrev’s comments.
I’m glad to hear you’ve had this turn around that’ll increase your happiness and quality of life!
All the best
I too understand a bit better the reason for you leaving BOL full time, however that doesn’t mean I like it. Therefore, I’ll continue to cross my arms and pout like a child.
For what it’s worth, I’d like to say <3 and good luck.
Hi Molly,
First, I appreciate your openness and candor about what can be a very difficult topic. I worked as an information technology consultant for over a decade, and I saw many women struggle with gaining credibility with our male clients. It was not a struggle of competence because they were very sharp and intelligent technologists. It was convincing client executives, that, yes, SHE is our representative on this engagement.
I can also understand your comment about the sharp “estrogen tax” that women pay when making mistakes. I think there is an inverse relationship between a woman’s attractiveness and the amount of mercy shown when making a mistake. Very attractive women in tech are often raked over the coals for minor mistakes for which a man would be easily forgiven. I am sure that Natali Del Conte, Kara Tsuboi, and Veronica also go through that every single day.
I also struggle with maintaining a healthy career while also functioning as a husband to a wonderful woman and a father to three beautiful young children. My point of view is that the husband has to also make career sacrifices for the sake of the family. It’s awesome that you have that in your husband, but too many men work late hours and hit the golf course on the weekend while their wives are dying trying manage the household alone. If I have to slow down my career progression to better meet the needs of my family, then I am prepared to do that.
Finally, I’m sure you are already an inspiration to young girls who are considering a career in technology. You’re probably too young to see the dividends now, but it is definitely a worthwhile long term investment. I think you will see over the coming years many women who will tell you, “I got into technology because I saw you on ‘The Buzz Report’”.
At the very least, I can say your passion for and expertise in the tech field has inspired this African American technologist.
Stay encouraged and continue to produce excellence!
-Anjuan Simmons
Thank you for this post Molly. As a woman, I kind of guessed what was going on, but explaining that to a chat full of males was next to impossible!
My thoughts on BOL are here: http://tinyurl.com/6v2l57
I’d wish you luck in what ever you chose to do, but I know you don’t need it. So I wish you happiness, fulfillment and balance instead.
I agree that “editing” can only make your life simpler and more manageable. I sometimes wonder what to do with all of the free time? That’s a good problem, hope you encounter this in 2009 as well!
“A lot of geeks flat-out worship girls, and girls who know things about computers take on a goddess/hot-elf/fantasy Geek Woman vibe that’s kind of hilarious and flattering.”
Yes this is true, and I think it’s just because male geeks desire someone who shares there interests and passions. As female geeks are some what less common than male geeks, they are prized as rare and special ideal women.
“You’re still thought of as vaguely alien, even if you’re beloved. No technical mistake will go unpunished, because you’re expected to not know what you’re talking about.”
I don’t think this is really true. I think geeks just love correcting people, I don’t think people are any easier on Tom Merritt.
“And there’s never a time when you’re not being parsed more for your looks than your knowledge.”
Well I can try and give a male point of view on this. It goes to my comment above about geeks prizing a woman, male geeks like female geeks, because it’s the interesting mind they are after. I think, male geeks will talk most about the looks, and care most about the mind. After all, it takes a long time to figure out what somebody knows, but looks hit you right away.
Remember though, it’s the brains that is what we really want.
Plus, it’s probably more exciting to talk about looks.
Spending more time to read and play can only lead to good things. I think balance is the key.
We don’t stop playing because we grow old.
We grow old because we stop playing.
BOB
Life isn’t just about work. Quality of life has never been so important in someone’s life. I’m glad you’re able to improve your quality of life and you’re doing something about it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for sharing this.
I get so frustrated that to be a high-profile woman in this space you have to have to body of a college co-ed, where the guys have no such standard.
I’m trying to run my own online media company (multiple websites, providing our own content, etc) with my husband (who has another full-time job) and it seems there is always too much to do between business responsibilities and balancing caring for our autistic five year old daughter.
It helps to know I am not alone in all of this.
I would also like to thank you, for sharing this, Molly. As a male in technology, I can’t say that my experience in any way parallels your own. As a minority (I’m Puerto Rican), however, we share a number of commonalities that are not often recognized. Minorities in technology (and Academia, which I also happen to be in) are also subject to undue scrutiny and additional pressures from our peers due to our language, our class and national backgrounds, and the other cultural differences (attitude towards family or community, etc.) that set us apart from our “mainstream” peers.
You mention the responsibility put on our shoulders to “push the glass ceiling” and “be an inspiration to others” and I would like to stress that this is one of the most important things we can do in our role as “pioneers”. It falls to us to break the ground for more equity and fairness in the workplace. This, of course, can feel overwhelming, but it also does not require heroic action on our part, save that of working and persevering under less-than-fair circumstances where we are constantly challenged. As we grow wiser and stronger, it befalls us to pass that wisdom and that strength on to those who come after us.
It’s hard not to sound overly serious or even melodramatic when we talk about these things, but the ability and the need to use this kind of language when expressing the things that matter to us is also something that sets us apart. In the end, I would just like to extend a hand of understanding, solidarity, and respect to you and to all the other pioneers out there. Keep up the great [edited and more focused] work!
Thanks for the update at the end of your post, Molly, because you’re right–the issue of life/work balance applies to us all. I’ve always said I wanted to “work to live,” not “live to work,” saying that no one on his/her deathbed says, “I wish I would have spent more time at work and less time with my kids and having fun.” But I’m afraid I don’t follow my own advice enough.
As far as the “woman in tech” issue is concerned, it was fascinating to read your perspective and it’s an aspect of your work I never thought of. I’m a male who’s a huge fan of yours because of your work and I’d be no more or less a fan if you were male. Similarly, I voted for Obama, and would have voted for Hillary, but my support had nothing to do with their race or gender.
I miss you on BOL, but your happiness (and Eli’s, of course) much more than makes up for it.
While I miss you on BOL daily i can appreciate your situation. As a single male I would be lying if I said I completely understand when I know I never really could. I do however understand the need to balance work and home life and I for one always put family and “me” time first. Family are always going to be part of your life and will always be there for you as you are for them regardless of what work brings. You are one of the tech journos I most respect and regardless of gender you are an outstanding role model for many including myself.
“We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.” – Anne Frank
Molly, my name is Tim. I’m 16 and i live in Adelaide, Australia.
I think you are an amazing woman. Hey, i’m a guy, and i think you are one of the most respectable people that i have ever seen on the internet; even more respectable that the majortity of the guys out there. Your commitment to both your home and work life does not go un-noticed, and i think that being a mum at such a crucial time in your child’s life is more important than anything.
Take as much time you need to with your son, even if it does mean you need to drop a few of your CNET commitments (as long as it’s not Mailbag or the Buzz Report!!!!).
I’m an aspiring teen writer, and i really do hope one day i will be able to meet you and all the fabulous people at CNET. Heck, maybe even one day sit along side you on camera if time permits! If there’s anyone that has shown me writing for CNET is possible, it’s you.
Keep up the extraodinary work,
Love and light,
Tim.
Molly,
Thanks for taking the time to post this. Your last few paragraphs hit home. As a working mother, I often feel the same way. Unfortunately, I don’t get to watch BSG unless I heavily caffeinate myself and stay up until way past my bedtime.
I will say one thing. You are not failing. None of us are. We are simply doing the best we can given our circumstances. I feel lucky, like you, that I have a family that understands and a job that is (somewhat) flexible. Nothing, and no one, is perfect…
Take all the time you need to spend with your son. This time will never come again. You need him as much as he needs you. You won’t regret it.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, in life is more important than our children. I’m glad to see that no matter how alone I feel, I really am not. Welcome to the club.
Vinita
As a woman software engineer for the past 20 years (during which time I raised two kids), I can totally relate to what you are saying. I actually quit work for 7 years to stay home with my kids and it was the best decision I could have made for myself. I was lucky to be able to step right back into the field after being away that long, however, I did give up any upward mobility I would have had if I had stayed. Totally worth it to me.
I am one of two woman in a group of 13 men at work. I am one of the boys. I have to work harder to be heard. I can actually say something and be ignored but if one of my male coworkers says the exact same thing, it’s an ‘aha’ moment. I’ve learned not to take too much of burn to these moments.
Oh and they pay me a boatload of money, so it makes it a lot easier to just roll with the punches
Hang in there, do what you need to do. There is certainly no ‘right’ way of balancing work and family, it’s whatever ends up working for you and your family.
On a slightly related note I was listening to you on Twit (show #182) 55:43 into it…and I quote you, “the bell rang”. That had to be the funnest line in the whole Podcast. You’ve got to love A Christmas Story. Thanks Molly.
“the line for Santa went all the way back to Terre Haute…..and we were at the end of it”.
Came to read post after discussion on TWIT. Great post. You’ll be missed on BOL but appreciate all the other creative outlets we get to consume.